Why Cry When You Can Laugh?

It may sound cruel but I laugh at "yo mom" jokes and other profanities about my misfortunes. Sometimes I feel guilty but then I realize would they really want me moping around and crying or would they want me to live my life. So what if they're dead... I'm not. I do miss them but that doesn't mean all is forgiven, nor that I want to be depressed. So I laugh in fact I encourage people to treat me as if my parents (and grandparents) are still around. In fact today me and my friend started cracking up about a error in communications. We were watching something on youtube and the movie "Bambi" was brought up and I mentioned that it was a sad movie. She asked how so I looked at her. Then she had a horrified look on her face and apologized immediately.  When I realized what went through her mind I  started laughing and said "Noooo that's not what I meant! I didn't even think about it in that way I was just saying it was sad..." blah blah blah. Anyways we both had a huge laugh about it. Granted everyone takes things differently but if you ever lose someone don't instantly think that you have to defend yourself over every little thing. If you go on like normal and treat these things like you normally would instead of huffing and puffing every time a little piggy let's the wrong choice of words slip then you're just going to remind yourself of the pain. Don't get me wrong though it's perfectly healthy to cry but I'm just saying it's easier to save the tears for personal time and enjoy the life you still have.

Goals for a New School Year

I hate this time of year because it gets cold and grey and reminds me of bad times. The main thing it reminds me of when I look up at the cold grey sky is my mothers funeral. The cold air, the grey sky, the ground that was solid and moist with the snow... the darkness in the hole before the coffin was placed in the ground. Yeah I hate this time of year... but I'm determined to keep dry eyes and go throughout the school without having to miss a class or even a whole day because of depression and tears. Even when I am depressed I smile and laugh not from force but because I know it won't bring anyone back by being depressed or uppity about yo ma jokes. I'm not sure what I'm getting at but I just know it's nice to get things off my chest while being anonymous... and someday I would like to help others who have to know this kind of sorrow.

Crap Happens but it's That Time to be Thankful

It's turkey time and all I can think about is that my parents are dead. They didn't die at the same time nor did either of them die when I was too young to remember. My father died May in 2011. My mother died around two to three years before that. Currently I'm living with my brother but not because my parents are gone... When I was young stuff happened and my parents got a divorce. My mother got custody of me and we moved downstate. Of course my mother started dating again. Then one day, I was only in third grade, my mother started talking to my older siblings about her new boyfriend. She asked them all if it was alright she was dating him, a man she met in a casino parking lot, but she didn't even let me put in my opinion. No big deal right? Although ironically he was a pedophile and I was basically the only child of my mother still living with her. Let's just say years went by and  I was lucky enough to get out of that house with my virginity in tact. However even though I was out of that house didn't mean I had a loving family fighting to take me in. Nope... only my brothers and grandmother were willing and only the brother I live with now was capable. So now here I am no parents, no grandparents... Sometimes I feel like there is nothing to be thankful for then I realize... even when there seems to be more bad than good it doesn't mean there isn't any good. Sometimes it helps me to stop thinking bad and force myself (emphasis on force) to think about the good things.

Good Things

• My brother who took me in
• the fairy figurine my daddy gave me for my birthday before he died
• chocolate
• pie
• chocolate pie
• the stupid things my friends say that put a smile on my face
• cupcakes with cream cheese frosting
• the fact I brought a sandwich for this (in case you haven't noticed I'm hungry)
• When I was made I got an extra dose of "sense of humor" serum 
• The people who dry tears

Just listing these things (and realizing I had a sandwich) made me feel better for now while just this morning I was depressed over another holiday without parents... but that doesn't mean I won't have family (even if some of it is borrowed from my sister in law)

New to Blogging, Old to Life

Hello people of the internet... This is my first time blogging, so if I mess up I'm sorry, but I guess I'll start by saying a little bit about myself. I'm seventeen, both my parents are dead, I've seen what alcoholism does to people, I know what abuse is like... but I learned that stuff happens and you can only change what's now and going to be, not the past.